After a rough, rough few months, I’ve decided I need to start posting again. For anyone that has read my blog, it’s obvious we live a rather dramatic life. Well, the last few months have been even more dramatic than last year. So dramatic I couldn’t write about it. Too much trauma. Too much pain. Too much anxiety. Too much fear. Plus I don’t deal well with uncertainty and I’ve had way too much of that too.
So today I’m going to start writing again. We have had some good times. I’ll write about them. I’ll even write about the pain once I feel like I have it under control and I have some clarity in my thinking. Right now my thoughts are a jumbled mess of emotions that I can’t sort through. I’m hoping writing will help me.
As usual, or maybe I should say much too often, I’m mad at God. He doesn’t do what I think he should do. The Bible says that God is able to accomplish abundantly far more than I could ever hope or imagine. Well I’ll tell you what — I have a pretty active imagination and I can imagine some pretty amazing things. But from my limited perspective, I don’t see them happening. So is the problem me, or God?
The things I hope and imagine are not things I want for myself. They are healing, love, mercy, redemption, and grace for the many broken and traumatized people in our life. And yet all I see right now is more suffering for them. They are the very ones that are supposed to be in the very heart of God — the orphan, the fatherless, the poor. But their lives are filled with violence, pain, suffering, anger, and rejection. I don’t know how to reconcile the promises in the Bible to the reality around me.
If any of you have any words of wisdom, I’m all ears. Right now I’m feeling rather helpless and hopeless.