A few years ago Ben Johnson, a talented musician from Solomon’s Porch, wrote a song that begins “Love those that don’t know love, and protect those that cannot fight. Stand beside those, and guide those, that need to fly close to an angel’s wing.”
We have two guys living with us — one who has only know dysfunctional love, one who has not known love. This morning Kevin and I were talking and after discussing the frustrations of the night before Kevin said that trying to deal with Jesse is above his pay grade. For sure it is!!
The night before someone from church brought us a home-cooked beef roast dinner, hot out of the oven, and complete with homemade bread and applesauce. It was delicious. But both boys decided they weren’t hungry and wouldn’t come down and eat. After a couple minutes, Jesse decided to come and eat. But just as we are sitting down to eat he decides to make us wait while he leisurely makes himself a glass of chocolate milk and then thoroughly and slowly washes his hands. Twice Kevin told him we were waiting. Twice he took his sweet time coming to the table. Then he gets up during the meal to get the pepper rather than ask Kevin to hand it to him. When Kevin told him he would pass it to him he glibly responds that it’s good for him to get up and get some exercise.
Andy never did come down and eat. He wasn’t hungry. But while the food was still on the table he came down and made himself a glass of chocolate milk and a few minutes later made himself a sandwich that he sat and ate it in front of us. Do you think he was sending us a message?
I told Kevin that yes it seems we are working above our pay grade. But our paymaster, if you will, is the owner of the universe. He will supply us with what we need when we need it. What do we need constantly? Wisdom and patience.
Here is what I’m learning. When a child has never known love and has grown up in institutions, whether they are foster homes or prisons (as in Andy’s case) the only power he thinks he has is the power to say no. He trusts no one and thinks he needs no one. He is mentally, physically, and intellectually strong. But he is emotionally, spiritually, and socially crippled. So crippled that he sees no value in any of them. Even worse, he considers emotions to be a sign of weakness. The elements of human relationships that most of us take for granted are completely missing in him — common courtesy, social norms, consideration of others, desire for communication.
Our friends have commented that these boys should realize how good they have it with us and appreciate what we are doing for them. Yes, that’s true. But what if they don’t have the ability to do that? What if feeling grateful is too threatening? After all, if they feel grateful then they would have to appreciate what we do for them. Appreciation shows weakness. Instead they have to pretend that they can take care of themselves.
Andy is the most selfish person I know. He is stunningly selfish. But in his mind he is tough and strong. He lives like he doesn’t care about others. He only cares about himself. And he seems to go out of his way to prove that he doesn’t care about others, including me. Yesterday after months of driving him around to various appointments, I handed him my cell phone so he could call me for a ride home, and I said “Hannah, thanks for the ride.” He got the message, but he couldn’t say thank you. Instead he said, “Hannah thanks for making me late.” He was late. I stood at the door fifteen minutes waiting for him to finish getting ready to go. We left the house five minutes before he was suppose to be in class. But it’s my fault he’s late.
If our criteria for having these boys live with us was based on us being treated decently they would have been gone long ago. They don’t treat us decently. But the bigger problem is they don’t know how to be decent human beings. They should have been taught this growing up, but they weren’t. If we give up on them, who is going to teach them? Who else would put up with this?
Every day I need to check my attitude and make sure that I have their best interest in mind and am not acting out of frustration, anger, or disappointment. This is easier said than done when too often my sense of decency is being assaulted. We do deserve better than we get from the two of them. I would give up if my desire was to satisfy myself. But I serve a great God who tells me to deny myself and follow Him in service to the unloved, the undeserving, the sick, those that are in (or have been) in prison, the weak, the poor, the outcast.
