As I get older, I marvel at the ignorance and arrogance of youth. Maybe it’s more than just the youth. If I was given the task of improving public education, I would start by teaching formal logic and rhetoric beginning in middle school. And I would add thoughtful studies of the major religions and philosophers.
I just had a frustrating conversation. To be fair Andy is probably more extreme in his beliefs than most people I encounter. Or maybe he is more honest about what he really believes. The conversation began about clothes and it was a continuation of a conversation we had started the day before. He firmly believes he is “an individual” and he doesn’t care about what other people think about him.
So I asked him, who do you think cares more about what other people think of us, you or me? He said me. I said then tell me what anyone could tell about me based on the way I am dressed. Other than I’m not a dirty bum living on the street you can’t tell much. I asked him what people could tell about him. He said he doesn’t care. I said I think you do. You are dressed like an inner-city gangster. You are wearing your identity. When I picked you up from jail you didn’t want anyone to see you because you weren’t dressed in your gangster clothes.
This conversation digressed into a diatribe about it’s not about his identity, but what makes him feel good and what he is comfortable wearing. He does not accept that his “comfortable clothes” have anything to do with his desire to display his gang identity. Instead it’s all about HIM and what he feels comfortable wearing. And he is an individual. If he wore neutral clothes then he wouldn’t be “comfortable”. But he can’t see that he cares more about what people think about the way he dresses than I do.
He thinks being hard and mean represents strength. I guess it does in an animal sort of way. Being mean and not caring about others means you have less chance of being hurt. And being hard? It’s all about respect. Joe owes him $3.00. When Joe didn’t have the money to pay him back he was ready to turn Joe into a bloody mess. Why? It’s all about respect. I asked him if it would be worth beating the s**t out of Joe even if it meant going back to prison. Yes it would. It’s about respect. You never back down.
He says I don’t understand him. I have to admit in this instance I don’t. I can’t think of much in my life that would be worth me spending ten years in prison much less for $3.00. Is this about a twisted understanding of self-esteem? To me it seems his self-image is so weak that he has to be hard and mean to defend it. Gentleness, kindness, love, forgiveness don’t make sense to him.
Equally disturbing was the comments he made regarding why he thinks I am helping him — because he is a pathetic, disgusting native thug that I want to reform. He portrayed me in an ugly and judgmental manner, like I was condemning him. I asked him if that was true why would I be living here and why would I have invited him to live with us?
What disturbed me was the idea that he had made me into the despised other even though I am helping him. Maybe that allows him to keep emotional distance from me. This sounds radical and I may need to think it through some more, but I felt like this is what Hitler did to the Jews — made them into the despised other. That way he could abuse them without feeling guilty.
It hasn’t been good the last few days. I need to not be at effect of each day or week and instead have faith that things will work out in the long run. I understand intellectually it takes time for someone who has never known love or trust to learn to love and trust someone. But today I’m feeling like it may be impossible for him to learn. Time will tell. Today I’m discouraged.
