Yesterday was a tough day. I was feeling royally sorry for myself. You know the story — I do so much for other people and they don’t appreciate me. They don’t respect me. They are CONSTANTLY asking, “Can I have X, Can I have Y, Can you do Z.” And it seems none of them give a damn what I need or how I feel. I was so upset yesterday I had a cigarette. It felt good to be a little defiant and irresponsible. I even skipped out on my CPEO class. After all, being irresponsible works well for other people. “I know I should quit drinking, but I’m an alcoholic. I know I should quit using drugs, but I’m an addict. I know I should go to school and do well but I’m too interested in girls. I know I shouldn’t steal, but shit, they have what I want. I know I should be responsible with money and pay my obligations, but damn then I can’t have any fun.”
I’m sick of it. When Kevin came home yesterday I said I want to get out of the house, I don’t care where we go. So we got in the car and started driving. When we got to Apple Valley I suggested going to a movie. Kevin had seen UP and liked it a lot. He thought I’d like it too and now it’s playing in 3D. So we got our cool polarized 3D glasses and went into the theater.
Have you ever had a private showing of a movie? We were the only ones in the theater! I loved it. We talked. We laughed. We changed seats until we found the perfect place to best enjoy the 3D effect. We cuddled. We put our feet up on the seat in front of us. We had a large popcorn, large cherry Coke, and box of Nestle’s Crunch for dinner. And I kept hollering, “WE HAVE THE THEATER ALL TO OURSELVES. IS THIS COOL OR WHAT.”
UP touched a nerve with me. After his wife dies crabby Carl wants to fulfill his wife’s and his long-time dream of going to Hidden Falls in South America. He gets there, but not exactly. As he struggles with a conflict he pulls out his wife’s adventure journal and realizes that she has completed the rest of the journal. She tells him in the journal, “Thanks for the adventure, now go have your own.” That inspires Carl to be heroic and save the day and to commit to helping Russell, a fatherless boy. In the end Carl and Russell live happily ever after.
Does that ever happen in real life?
I miss Graeme and I can’t write a happy ending to his story. I have so many regrets. Because I had to work to support the two of us I never got to be the mother I wanted to be. Being able to stay home makes such a difference. Instead Graeme got a crabby, stressed-out mom who was constantly struggling emotionally to find a little piece of love and happiness. Who had so little left at the end of the day to give to him. He was an intelligent, mischievious child that could have had such a different life if I had been in a better place.
Is it any wonder he found his escape in drugs? And once he got a drug problem and a group of dysfunctional raver peers who he admired, that was the end of his dreams. He spent five years in prison for stealing drugs from veterinary and dental clinics and was dead within three years of getting out. And the guy who Graeme did most of the burglaries with never got caught and he is the guy who beat Graeme to death rather than call 911. So much for his friends.
So tell me, can I write a “happily ever after” ending to this sad tale? At church on Sunday (the first time I’ve went in a long time) the pastor talked about Jesus pushing back the kingdom of darkness. Where is this happening? I feel like I’m beating my head against a black and immovable fortress and the darkness is winning. Where is the kingdom of God? Is the problem me? I’m ashamed to admit that I feel jealous of Matt that I can give to him what I couldn’t give to Graeme.
It’s easier to believe in God and believe all the comforting stories from the Bible when your life is not in crisis. But I’d rather not believe a comforting falsehood. I want to know the truth. If God is real why do I feel like this? Why isn’t there more evidence of His existence in the lives of Christians? Why does it seem like the darkness is winning? Why did God miraculously heal the leapers of His day, but doesn’t seem able to heal the drunks, drug-addicts, and broken-hearted people of today?
One Comment
Jesus seemed to talk about the kingdom of God in a couple of ways: as a future place, and as a thing happening right now in and through his people as we live our lives. In that 2nd sense I believe we are light in dark communities and to people who have been overwhelmed by darkness in their lives. Jesus’ mustard seed metaphor suggests that though we feel ineffective and inconsequential, we are in fact doing his work, acting as his agents, planting seeds of light (and life) where none existed before.
But the reality is that we do this work in a time that is darkened by sin and all of its terrible destructiveness. The darkness does push against us, but if the Holy Spirit in fact lives in us as Jesus promised, he is a powerful and inextinguishable light.
Paul put it this way: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Cor. 4:7
Life is a struggle. I greatly appreciate your honesty, Hannah.