This year I’m announcing my new year’s resolution: I resolve to overcome fear and worry.
The Bible tells us not to worry and not to fear yet I’ve spent too much of my life doing both and I want to stop. I worry and fear small things or things I have no control over. It seems my tendency to worry is hard wired into my brain. My thinking immediately conjures up the worst possible scenario or the most pessimistic interpretation of a situation. Why do I do this?
What is my biggest worry? Money! Many of my fears revolve around not having enough money. How dumb is this? I spent 19 years of my life working at a job I hated for the money and security and it was not worth it! I’ve spent the last three years working at an unpaid position and lived off my credit card and now I’m nervous and worrying about it. This worrying makes me fearful and resentful and that makes me worry more. What if I don’t save the pool? What if Minneapolis Swims isn’t successful? What if I run out of money? What if I have to get a crappy job just to pay my bills?
I also worry about making mistakes. What if I disappoint someone? What if someone doesn’t like me? What if I make someone mad? Well I did all these things last year and it wasn’t fun. I wouldn’t care about my mistakes so much if they weren’t being exposed in the public sphere. I’m worried about saving our pool and every mistake I make that potentially jeopardizes the project makes me fearful. I worry I’m not going to be successful and then I’ll disappoint people, especially the kids. I often question if I have the skills I need to succeed. I worry whether I have the strength and will I need to keep going.
WORRY! That sums up my the majority of how I feel about the pool project. I worry if we are going to get past the next MPRB meeting. I worry if we are going to get a good contract. I worry if we are going to be able to raise the money we need. I worry if I’m going to have the help I need. I worry about our board. I worry. That’s what I do. Worry. Worry. Worry. And all this worry makes it unpleasant for me to sit down and do the tasks that are in my control because my emotions are so out of control. I just want to avoid it all and go to sleep.
How am I going to stop this?