Unending Heartbreak

July 25, 2010 – 12:48 pm

In the last 24 hours what has happened?  Deshawn came over at 8:00 in the morning and said he was never staying at Ron’s house again because they were all drunk and there is no food in the house.  That family is messed up.  There are six kids in that house.  The teenage daughter had three babies and then lost them all because she wasn’t taking care of them.  They are now in foster care.  The oldest teenage son is throwing underage drinking parties with his friends.  The next son is mentally ill.  He waits for kids to fall asleep and then he messes with them sexually.  Recently he cut off his brother’s eyebrows while he slept.  The 8th grade son’s girlfriend is spending the night on a regular basis.  It makes me wonder what her mother is thinking letting her young daughter spend the night with her 8th grade boyfriend. The two younger boys are living in this mess of a household.  And the mom?  She is letting it all happen.

I’m tempted to call child protection or the police about this but I don’t know the address.   Because I don’t have more specific information or haven’t observed something myself, child protection most likely won’t investigate.   I don’t know what to do.  I doubt it will be very long and the 8th grader will be a daddy.  And the cycle continues.

Bill came over a short time later, roaring drunk.  I told him he was banished from my presence until he was sober.  He spent a couple hours wandering around the neighborhood and then left.  After several days of sobriety, Carlyle got himself drunk yesterday.  I banished him to his room and refused to talk to him until he sobered up.  He hates it when I won’t talk to him.  It’s good punishment.   Not that I’m into punishment, but I don’t like talking to drunks.

Jesse and I got into an argument yesterday.  Because he is most likely going to prison in September, he has been drinking and smoking weed daily.  Despite a strict rule that the kitchen is closed from 10:00pm to 6:00am Jesse has been coming home drunk in the middle of the night and trying to cook.  Several nights in a row he messed up the kitchen.  Once episode took Kevin a half-hour to clean up.  Yesterday I found a disgusting plate of food upstairs.  If Jesse would have eaten it, he would have gotten sick.  He had uncooked ramen noodles, bbq sauce, catsup, a half-eaten frozen chimichanga, a half-eaten corn dog, and a piece of uncooked bacon all together on the plate.

I tried to talk to him and tell him he can’t keep drinking and coming home and making a mess in the kitchen.  The conversation went badly.  We were both upset and both of us were mad at each other.  I got Kevin to talk to him.  Kevin is amazing and can get through to him.  Jesse is extremely sensitive to any criticism.  He interprets my complaining about his kitchen habits as saying he is bad and evil.  And then he reacts accordingly.  And then I react.  I got mad and called him a rude and disrespectful little twit.

This morning we found him passed out on the back porch.  I woke him up and told him I was sorry we got in a fight yesterday.  He said he was sorry too and I could tell he was sorry.  I fed him and then sent him to bed.  He made it to the bathroom and passed out on the bathroom floor.  Kevin got him up and into a bed where he is sound asleep.

Shortly after Jesse got home his friend Joe called looking for him.  I told him he is asleep and won’t be up for quite some time.  Joe was drunk last night too.  I asked him why he is drunk all the time.  He said  next week he is going to court and because he violated his probation he will be sentenced to 60 months in prison.  I asked him what he did to get violated.  He got a DUI.  Then he brags about having gotten three girls pregnant.

That irritated me.  I told him he was selfish and irresponsible and it was disgusting that he was bragging about something like that.  I said he is stroking his own ego and satisfying his own desires and not thinking about the women he is getting pregnant or the children he is producing.  It took him a while for him to understand what I was saying.  Joe’s father contracted AIDS and then committed suicide when he was seven.  His mother is the most vicious, abusive, female I’ve ever encountered.  To this day she is  a hard-core street drug addict living in a homeless shelter.  She lives off dealing drugs and stealing.  And she is good at it.

All three of her boys are headed to prison in the next few weeks.  Two of them for the incident with Jesse, and Joe for violating his probation.  Three fatherless boys with a drug-addicted mother are all on their way to prison.   And three more babies will be born while their daddy is in prison.  And the cycle continues.

I spent too long talking to my friend Jeff today.  Jeff has become an atheist.  The focus of his life now?  His latest girlfriend and his money.  I’d like to tell him that his life has become uninteresting to me but at this point at least I’m too nice.  His self-obsessed life is dull.  I don’t care about the latest stock prices or the latest news on his newest crazy girlfriend or his latest drunken party.   Meanwhile, the inner-city continues to implode and he certainly doesn’t care.  Not enough people seem to care.

I guess I can understand.  Why have a broken heart when you can entertain yourself with fun and not have to deal with all the pain and hurt I see around me every single day.

Here is that nasty plate of food:

food

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

The resurrection of Urbancats

July 21, 2010 – 9:32 am

After a rough, rough few months, I’ve decided I need to start posting again.  For anyone that has read my blog, it’s obvious we live a rather dramatic life.  Well, the last few months have been even more dramatic than last year.  So dramatic I couldn’t write about it.  Too much trauma.  Too much pain.  Too much  anxiety.  Too much fear.  Plus I don’t deal well with uncertainty and I’ve had way too much of that too.

So today I’m going to start writing again.  We have had some good times.  I’ll write about them.  I’ll even write about the pain once I feel like I have it under control and I have some clarity in my thinking.  Right now my thoughts are a jumbled mess of emotions that I can’t sort through.  I’m hoping writing  will help me.

As usual, or maybe I should say much too often, I’m mad at God.  He doesn’t do what I think he should do.  The Bible says that God is able to accomplish abundantly far more than I could ever hope or imagine.  Well I’ll tell you what –  I have a pretty active imagination and I can imagine some pretty amazing things.  But from my limited perspective, I don’t see them happening.   So is the problem me, or God?

The things I hope and imagine are not things I want for myself.  They are healing, love, mercy, redemption, and grace for the many broken and traumatized people in our life.   And yet all I see right now is more  suffering for them.  They are the very ones that are supposed to be in the very heart of God — the orphan, the fatherless, the poor.  But their lives are filled with violence, pain, suffering, anger, and rejection.  I don’t know how to reconcile the promises in the Bible to the reality around me.

If any of you have any words of wisdom, I’m all ears.  Right now I’m feeling rather helpless and hopeless.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)

Are women losing ground?

January 29, 2010 – 5:49 pm

I grew up in the 1970s when the Women’s Liberation movement was in it’s infancy and was fighting for legitimate issues.  That was the time when women were demanding equal pay for equal work and demanding access to careers typically dominated by men.  I worked with women who had been forced to quit their jobs when they started showing in their pregnancy.  As surprising as this seems now, pregnant women were discriminated against and forced out of their jobs.  As if being pregnant was somehow an embarrassing condition.  When pregnant I couldn’t receive sick pay for sickness that the company considered to be related to my pregnancy.

Times have changed.  Women have made great progress.  But I see three serious problems with the Women’s movement in its current form: failure to defend women’s rights worldwide — especially in the Islamic world, failure to recognize and respond effectively to negative messages about women in the modern culture, failure to embrace and legitimize women choosing the traditional role of marriage and motherhood.

I don’t want to spend much time explaining the need to defend women’s rights in the Muslim world because it should be obvious.  Child marriages, female genital mutilation, polygamy, forced wearing of the hijab or niqab, forced gender separation, honor killing, the inability to work, drive, or get adequate medical care, the inability to divorce an abusive husband, lack of equal access to education, and more all plague the Islamic world.  For every well-meaning feminist who writes an article about how liberated she feels wearing a hijab, a million, maybe half a billion women suffer the blight of male supremacy codified in Islam.   The treatment of women in the Islamic world is not compatible with Western ideas of human rights, democracy, and equality.   It’s stunning to me that feminists aren’t the leading voice in the West defending Muslim women.   Maybe it’s because the perpetrators aren’t Christian, white males.

The second failure is the inability to adequately criticize the contemporary culture’s messages about women.  We have two young men living with us.  One obsessively listens to the most vile gangsta rap.  The other has a bit more varied musical taste, mainly heavy metal and hard rock, but he still listens to rap.  As a woman I am utterly offended by the message in most rap.  It is derogatory, demeaning, and nasty to women.  Women are called bitches and whores.  The messages are very often about sex, money, and violence, not love.  Women are to be used and if they get too demanding, dumped to get another one less demanding.  Women exist to meet men’s needs — mainly sexual — instead of being respected, protected and loved.

Both the young men living with us have a problem with authority.  Problems with authority are fairly common these days, but I sense something beyond that with the two of them.   I think that they are annoyed by the fact I am female and I have authority over them.  I’m not surprised.  Both of their mothers failed them and neither of them have had a strong female in their life.  That is why I despair all the more about the negative messages concerning women in contemporary music.  How can men have a healthy attitude about women when these negative messages are drummed into their heads all day long?  I’ve asked girls why they listen to awful music that denigrates women.  Their answer is so simplistic: it doesn’t bother them because they aren’t talking about them, they are talking about another woman.  I responded that yes that may be true but it still influences how men think about women.  Nope, they just don’t get it.  It’s almost as if they are happy that a woman is being disrespected as long as it’s not them personally.  Females are probably equally likely as males to call other women bitches and whores.   We’ve gotten to the point where girls fight against girls to win the affection of boys who think they aren’t worth much more than sex.

Fast forward ten years, maybe even just five years.  How are these girls going to grow up to be healthy, responsible, capable wives and mothers?  They will most likely be mothers — alone and poor, still competing for the next man that comes along to give them some attention.  And the men?  They trot from woman to woman, whichever one has the most money, shelter, or sex to offer him.  Rarely is it about love, and even more rare, is there any sense of responsibility or commitment to the women they’ve had sex with or the children they’ve produced.

We’ve come a long way baby haven’t we!!  We can have irresponsible sex as easily as a man and then have an abortion if we don’t want to be a mother.   We can cuss and fight and drink and take drugs just like a man.  We can go to war.   We can do darn near anything a man can do.  But are we better off?  Are we happier?  Are our children happier?  Are we more prosperous?  Do we have more power in our personal lives?

I don’t get the feminist assault against marriage.  Who has more power — Elin Nordegren or Tiger’s mistresses?  Who has more ability to influence Tiger’s future behavior — Elin or the mistresses?  Do women not understand that marriage gives them both power and influence?  Without question marriage provides the best environment to raise children.   It provides the best possibility for prosperity and security for the whole family.  So why does it seem modern feminists are against marriage and consider it as an oppressive institution?  Are women really liberated by being the unmarried sexual partners of men?   Are they liberated because they can get an abortion and dispose of any unwanted children conceived?   Why can’t feminists fight the real problems in our culture rather than being distracted with “womyn”, “herstory” and other silly issues like armpit hair, or addressing God as a male versus a female.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)

I feel like a hypocrite

January 23, 2010 – 4:25 pm

This is not good.  Last year I went to the pro-life march at the state capital.  I protested in front of the abortion clinic in St. Paul.  I attended the service at the Cathedral before the march.  I helped Ken with his abortion installation at Solomon’s Porch.  Abortion really is an abomination.

Yesterday I found out Jamie is pregnant.  Jamie has two other children, aged five and four.  Jamie is a prostitute, a drug addict, and an alcoholic.  The father of the oldest boy is one of her tricks.  The father of the younger girl is a street drug addict himself who just got out of jail — again.  Throughout Steve’s life he’s pumped out several children by several different women and is not responsible for any of them.  The state pays the bill for his children.  The state also paid several thousand dollars for school for Steve.  He kept enrolling in different programs at the AIOIC.  Not only did the state pay his tuition but he got money for living expenses.  The minute he finished school he was back on the streets hustling.  Jamie is fetal alcohol plus she suffered a traumatic brain injury as a child rendering her  incapable of taking care of herself responsibly.  But she can have babies.

Two years ago Jamie found herself pregnant.  She was, and is now, living on the streets.  I had Kevin go and get her out of a shed in her mother’s backyard when the temperature dipped to -7 below zero.  She was wrapped up in a sleeping bag she had stolen from our back porch and was curled up on the floor of the shed sound asleep.  That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage because it was a tubal pregnancy.

Now she’s pregnant again.  The baby’s father, her “new man,” has already dumped her.  For a few months I’ve been bugging her to go in and get on birth control.   But that would take effort.  Finding a “new man” and satisfying her desires for drugs and sex far overshadows any desire to be responsible and get on birth control.  And what difference does it make anyway?  She doesn’t have to pay for the pregnancy, or the birth, or raising the child.   She only has to endure the pregnancy and voila she has another child to enjoy — responsibility free.   Even better — she gets lots of attention because she’s pregnant.  I’m concerned that the extra attention will fuel her desire to continue to have babies.  Plus I was frustrated with her last two pregnancies when dealing with her demands and attitude of entitlement with her medical care.  She was not a pleasant patient to say the least.

Something else is bothering me too.  I’m jealous that Jamie can so easily pump out babies and I lost the only child I’ll ever have.   She will live to see her children and grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren.  She can call and visit her children whenever she wants.  She buys them Christmas presents and birthday presents and brings them over to visit me.  And just as easily she can leave them because her mother has custody of them.  Off she goes to have fun on the streets.  She gets to produce  kids.  Someone else gets the responsibility and financial obligation.   And I’m ashamed of myself that part of my irritation with her is my jealousy that my only child is gone.

I’ll add one more confusing twist to this situation.  Some of the people in my life that I love and adore the most are the grown children of women who are just like Jamie.   Jamie told me she is thinking of having an abortion.  I didn’t say anything.  I don’t know what to say.  But I do know this.  If someone would have told that other mother long ago to abort her unwanted child, my life would be diminished.  That unwanted child gives me so much joy.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

Loving those that don’t know love

January 20, 2010 – 1:37 pm

A few years ago Ben Johnson, a talented musician from Solomon’s Porch, wrote a song that begins “Love those that don’t know love, and protect those that cannot fight.  Stand beside those, and guide those, that need to fly close to an angel’s wing.”

We have two guys living with us — one who has only know dysfunctional love, one who has not known love.  This morning Kevin and I were talking and after discussing the frustrations of the night before Kevin said that trying to deal with Jesse is above his pay grade.  For sure it is!!

The night before someone from church brought us a home-cooked beef roast dinner, hot out of the oven, and complete with homemade bread and applesauce.  It was delicious.  But both boys decided they weren’t hungry and wouldn’t come down and eat.  After a couple minutes, Jesse decided to come and eat.  But just as we are sitting down to eat he decides to make us wait while he leisurely makes himself a glass of chocolate milk and then thoroughly and slowly washes his hands.  Twice Kevin told him we were waiting.  Twice he took his sweet time coming to the table.  Then he gets up during the meal to get the pepper rather than ask Kevin to hand it to him.  When Kevin told him he would pass it to him he glibly responds that it’s good for him to get up and get some exercise.

Andy never did come down and eat.  He wasn’t hungry.  But while the food was still on the table he came down and made himself a glass of chocolate milk and a few minutes later made himself a sandwich that he sat and ate it in front of us.  Do you think he was sending us a message?

I told Kevin that yes it seems we are working above our pay grade.  But our paymaster, if you will, is the owner of the universe.  He will supply us with what we need when we need it.  What do we need constantly?  Wisdom and patience.

Here is what I’m learning.  When a child has never known love and has grown up in institutions, whether they are foster homes or prisons (as in Andy’s case) the only power he thinks he has is the power to say no.  He trusts no one and thinks he needs no one.  He is mentally, physically, and intellectually strong.  But he is emotionally, spiritually, and socially crippled.  So crippled that he sees no value in any of them.  Even worse, he considers emotions to be a sign of weakness.   The elements of human relationships that most of us take for granted are completely missing in him — common courtesy, social norms, consideration of others, desire for communication.

Our friends have commented that these boys should realize how good they have it with us and appreciate what we are doing for them.  Yes, that’s true.  But what if they don’t have the ability to do that?  What if feeling grateful is too threatening?  After all, if they feel grateful then they would have to appreciate what we do for them.  Appreciation shows weakness.  Instead they have to pretend that they can take care of themselves.

Andy is the most selfish person I know.  He is stunningly selfish.  But in his mind he is tough and strong.  He lives like he doesn’t care about others.  He only cares about himself.  And he seems to go out of his way to prove that he doesn’t care about others, including me.  Yesterday after months of driving him around to various appointments, I handed him my cell phone so he could call me for a ride home, and I said “Hannah, thanks for the ride.”  He got the message, but he couldn’t say thank you.  Instead he said, “Hannah thanks for making me late.”   He was late.  I stood at the door fifteen minutes waiting for him to finish getting ready to go.  We left the house five minutes before he was suppose to be in class.  But it’s my fault he’s late.

If our criteria for having these boys live with us was based on us being treated decently they would have been gone long ago.  They don’t treat us decently.  But the bigger problem is they don’t know how to be decent human beings.  They should have been taught this growing up, but they weren’t.  If we give up on them, who is going to teach them?  Who else would put up with this?

Every day I need to check my attitude and make sure that I have their best interest in mind and am not acting out of frustration, anger, or disappointment.  This is easier said than done when too often my sense of decency is being assaulted.   We do deserve better than we get from the two of them.  I would give up if my desire was to satisfy myself.  But I serve a great God who tells me to deny myself and follow Him in service to the unloved, the undeserving, the sick, those that are in (or have been) in prison, the weak, the poor, the outcast.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

“I am an individual”

January 15, 2010 – 12:53 pm

As I get older, I marvel at the ignorance and arrogance of  youth.  Maybe it’s more than just the youth. If I was given the task of improving public education, I would start by teaching formal logic and rhetoric beginning in middle school.  And I would add thoughtful studies of the major religions and philosophers.

I just had a frustrating conversation.  To be fair Andy is probably more extreme in his beliefs than most people I encounter.  Or maybe he is more honest about what he really believes.  The conversation began about clothes and it was a continuation of a conversation we had started the day before.  He firmly believes he is “an individual” and he doesn’t care about what other people think about him.

So I asked him, who do you think cares more about what other people think of us, you or me?  He said me.  I said then tell me what anyone could tell about me based on the way I am dressed.  Other than I’m not a dirty bum living on the street you can’t tell much.  I asked him what people could tell about him.  He said he doesn’t care.  I said I think you do.  You are dressed like an inner-city gangster.  You are wearing your identity.  When I picked you up from jail you didn’t want anyone to see you because you weren’t dressed in your gangster clothes.

This conversation digressed into a diatribe about it’s not about his identity, but what makes him feel good and what he is comfortable wearing.  He does not accept that his “comfortable clothes” have anything to do with his desire to display his gang identity.  Instead it’s all about HIM and what he feels comfortable wearing.  And he is an individual. If he wore neutral clothes then he wouldn’t be “comfortable”.  But he can’t see that he cares more about what people think about the way he dresses than I do.

He thinks being hard and mean represents strength.  I guess it does in an animal sort of way.  Being mean and not caring about others means you have less chance of being hurt.  And being hard?  It’s all about respect.  Joe owes him $3.00.  When Joe didn’t have the money to pay him back he was ready to turn Joe into a bloody mess.  Why?  It’s all about respect.  I asked him if it would be worth beating the s**t out of Joe even if it meant going back to prison.  Yes it would.  It’s about respect.  You never back down.

He says I don’t understand him.  I have to admit in this instance I don’t.  I can’t think of much in my life that would be worth me spending ten years in prison much less for $3.00.  Is this about a twisted understanding of self-esteem?  To me it seems his self-image is so weak that he has to be hard and mean to defend it.  Gentleness, kindness, love, forgiveness don’t make sense to him.

Equally disturbing was the comments he made regarding why he thinks I am helping him — because he is a pathetic, disgusting native thug that I want to reform.  He portrayed me in an ugly and judgmental manner, like I was condemning him.  I asked him if that was true why would I be living here and why would I have invited him to live with us?

What disturbed me was the idea that he had made me into the despised other even though I am helping him.  Maybe that allows him to keep emotional distance from me.  This sounds radical and I may need to think it through some more, but I felt like this is what Hitler did to the Jews — made them into the despised other.  That way he could abuse them without feeling guilty.

It hasn’t been good the last few days.  I need to not be at effect of each day or week and instead have faith that things will work out in the long run.  I understand intellectually it takes time for someone who has never known love or trust to learn to love and trust someone.  But today I’m feeling like it may be impossible for him to learn.  Time will tell.   Today I’m discouraged.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

A goal not yet achieved

January 5, 2010 – 6:16 pm

It started as a joke.  It is a joke, but still, I want to achieve it.  Here it is:  I want to go seven days, seven glorious days, without having to go to the jail, court, hospital, doctor, detox, or have the police come to my door.

The last ten days have been an utter disaster.  I’ve managed to go to every one of those places and most of them more than once, plus I had FOUR sheriff’s deputies at my door.   In the last two weeks I’ve only managed to go two days without having to go to one of those places.

But it’s not all bad.  When I went to court the defendant’s lawyer liked me so much he took me out to lunch.  That was nice.

The worst was spending the majority of my Sunday bailing someone out of jail.  What a fiasco.  It all started New Year’s Day when my friend managed to get himself picked up on a warrant after getting himself stinking drunk.  I wasn’t going to bail him out.  I’ve never bailed anyone out of jail  — even Graeme.  I figure if someone gets themselves locked up they can figure out how to get themselves out.  Maybe they will learn a lesson.

Carl’s situation was slightly different.  If I didn’t bail him out he would have been kicked out of treatment.  I made him sit for two days.   But on Sunday he needed to be on the train to St. Cloud by 4:45pm or he would be discharged from the program.  I decided to be merciful and bail him out.

I went to the cash machine and got $60.00.  I figured I wouldn’t have any problem parking downtown on a Sunday morning.  Wrong!  I forgot about the Vikings game.  I got stuck in traffic and there was no parking.  So I went back home and had Kevin drive me to the jail.  I figured we could take the train to Lake Street and then walk home when he got released.

I went to the Public Safety Building to pay the bail.  The guard told me I needed the EXACT amount of money.  I had three twenties from the cash machine.  His bail was $50.00.  So I had to go walking around downtown Minneapolis in -8 degree cold looking for some place to change a twenty for two tens.  I was not happy.

I got the change and paid the bail.  The bailer told me he would be out by 2:00pm.  At 2:15 I asked the deputy how much longer it would be.  He tells me the shift change is at 2:00pm and the person that actually releases prisoners won’t be in until 2:30 so it will be an hour or two more until he is released.  I waited very impatiently for another hour and thankfully he got released.

When we got home, Carl discovered that the police had confiscated his tribal identification card.  This is not unusual.  When Matt got arrested the police “lost” his wallet which contained his state identification, his tribal identification card, and his school id.  Despite three trips to the jail and the third precinct, Matt never got his wallet back.  Carl’s backpack with his hat, gloves, and jacket were confiscated.  He probably won’t get them back.  And how will Carl pay to replace his “lost” identification card?  By selling his blood.  Here’s the worst of it: because so many people are selling their blood to survive, the price of blood donations has dropped $5.00.

I didn’t realize until I was in the Public Safety Building that I had been there before.  Graeme had been arrested again, for what I don’t remember, and he was having his first court appearance.  He had holds on him from other counties so he wasn’t going to be released.  I just went so I could see him.

All the prisoners came in, 20-30 of them, dressed in bright orange jumpsuits.  All of us spectators were seated behind a thick glass wall on the side of the courtroom.  We could hear what was going on in the courtroom via a one-way audio link.  We  were told that no eye contact, gestures, mouthing words, or any kind of contact with the prisoners was allowed.   I don’t remember all of the details of that day but I do remember being admonished once that no “conversation” or contact with the prisoners was allowed.  A little bit later Graeme pulled up his sleeve and showed me his bruised and swollen arm from all the drugs he had been shooting up.   I don’t remember if I cried or just had a horrified look on my face but the judge saw me and told me he would kick me out if we “communicated” any more.  It was a horrible day.  Do the authorities really think it’s necessary for flesh and blood human beings to act like a brick on the wall when their loved one is sitting in an orange jumpsuit in front of a judge?  Does it really need to be that impersonal?

And add to my displeasure of dealing with the jail the cost of collect calls.  The first collect call from jail cost me $10.00!!!  The next calls cost $2 something.  I hope it’s not $2 per minute, otherwise we probably racked up another $30.00 in collect call charges.  I sure would like a reasonable explanation as to why I can talk to my friends in Egypt for TWO hours for ten dollars, but it costs that much for a collect call from the jail that is only a mile away.

Carl was mighty happy to get bailed out.  He said he was locked up with a cell full of guys most of whom were locked up for domestic assault.  He didn’t sleep much.  One guy was telling his “homies” how he got stabbed after he kicked his girlfriend/wife in the face.  Nice.  Maybe Happy New Year’s partying brings out the worst in people.

Anyway, I’m still hoping to achieve my seven day goal.  Although I didn’t go to any of those places today, I talked to someone in detox, I talked to the court about a notice I got regarding a hearing going on today, I talked to someone in the hospital, and I made a whole bunch of phone calls trying to get court records for someone else.  So I’m not sure today should count towards my goal.  And tomorrow is out already — doctor’s appointment.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (2)

Clarification

January 5, 2010 – 4:54 pm

On my prior post I wrote about praying that Jesse would have a rotten time when he went out.  A friend suggested that praying that someone has a rotten time is not a Christian thing to do.   He suggested “we should pray that God and people will extend grace and favor and good to others and to ourselves, and that we’ll see how to appreciate that and act accordingly.”

I need to clarify that I’m not praying that Jesse or anyone else has a rotten time just because I want them to suffer.  What I want is for them to experience immediate consequences for their actions and decisions.  What better way to learn that going out drinking, partying, smoking, etc., (I won’t go into to details) is not good than to suffer immediate consequences for their actions?

It’s a lovely thought that I should pray for grace and favor in Jesse’s life.  Maybe having a rotten time and suffering immediate consequences for his actions is actually evidence of God’s grace and favor to him?  After all, would it be better for him to learn the negative consequences of his using chemicals now or twenty years from now when his body is sick and his relationships are broken?

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (1)

You just can’t make this stuff up

December 23, 2009 – 8:40 am

I’ve had this goal for quite some time and I’ve told everyone that we are going to celebrate when I can make it an entire week without having to go to the hospital, jail, court, detox, or have the police come to our door.

Scratch today off the list. We woke up to Ken sleeping on the back porch. He has a hugely swollen and bloody upper lip. He says he slipped and fell and hit his mouth on the ground but I have my doubts. He put both his upper and lower teeth through his lip. He needs to go to the doctor and get his lip stitched up.

Jesse got up this morning with a broken foot from something that was going on last night. He says he stubbed his foot on something running through the alley (in the middle of the night) but that doesn’t make any sense that he ran into something with his shoes on and broke his foot. He didn’t break his toe, he broke his foot — the big bone behind his big toe. He can hardly walk. Jesse  needs to go to the doctor.

That’s enough drama for the morning right? Well, not quite. Jesse has decided that he wants to distance himself from his gang past and last night he removed a tattoo from his arm that signified his gang rank and affiliation. He has a 3 X 5 inch section of his upper arm that he scrapped all his skin off with a knife deep enough to remove the tattoo. It looks so painful. I convinced him this morning to let me put some antibacterial ointment on it and cover it.

Today I will be bringing both Jesse and Ken to the hospital.  Tomorrow I bring Andy to the doctor for his broken hand.   Because Andy slept all day on Monday when he got out of the hospital it messed up his sleep schedule.  I keep telling these guys that nothing good happens at night.  They need to be home.  Last night I prayed that they would have a rotten time running around outside in the middle of the night.  This is the second time I’ve prayed that Jesse has a rotten time.  Breaking his foot was a rotten time.  The last time I prayed that he wouldn’t have fun he got pistol whipped, got in a fight, got arrested, and was sitting in jail within an hour of the time I prayed.  I told him I had prayed that he wouldn’t have fun and he couldn’t understand why I would do that.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)

What did you do today?

December 22, 2009 – 3:53 pm

I am not “working”.   I’ve tried to work this fall but it’s been difficult.  Not only are subbing jobs hard to get but I’ve had to cancel out of two jobs because I had to bring people to the hospital.   Last Friday, fairly desperate for money, I took a rare subbing job.  But it ended up being problematic.  Jesse was late for school.  Andy missed his college orientation.  And Kevin had to come home at 12:00 and spend the rest of the day waiting of Andy’s bed to be delivered by FedEx.  Had I known the ramifications of working that day I wouldn’t have taken the job.

So what do I do all day?  Here was my day yesterday.

It started with Ken knocking on the door at about 5:00 in the morning wanting to come in.  He is homeless.  He was cold.  Then I picked Carl up from the VA and brought him to the AIS to pick up his belongings and then to our house to eat breakfast.  (Carl was an alcoholic living on the streets.  A few weeks ago my neighbor found him staggering across 28th Street and brought him to me because she didn’t know where else to take him.  He had been drinking Listerine.  We took him to detox, a move which he believes saved his life.  Since then he put himself in treatment.) Then I took Ken with me to pick up Andy from the hospital and bring him home.  I quickly fed Andy some broth and then brought Carl back to the VA for an appointment and a ride back to St. Cloud.  Then I spent the next three and a half hours calling to make appointments for Andy for the hand specialist (the number is not on his discharge paperwork so I had to track it down), to arrange to pick up his medical records and xrays from two hospitals, and to get his prescriptions sent to Target.  Then I went to Target to pick up Andy’s prescriptions.  Then I helped Ken fill out his registration for MCTC.  Then I helped Chuckie check his Myspace account.  Then I talked to HCMC about supporting Bill’s commitment to the hospital for alcoholism.  Then I cooked supper.  Then I went to bed to read Vishal Mangalwadi’s fantastic book Truth and Transformation.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

The big birthday bash

December 22, 2009 – 2:27 pm

The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Is that the correct quote? Andy’s  birthday was not the celebration we planned. His day started with me asking him what he wanted for breakfast. He wanted one of my famous omelets.   I made the omelet and then called all the guys downstairs to eat telling them eggs don’t wait gracefully.  Jesse tells me Andy is not feeling well.  He will eat later.  As the day progresses, Andy gets sicker and sicker.  By 3:00 I brought him to the hospital.  Not only does he have a broken hand that is a mess, but he can’t stop vomiting.

Seven and a half hours later we leave the emergency room.  They couldn’t get Andy to stop vomiting so they admitted him to the hospital for the night.  I am impressed with the hospital.  When Andy originally broke his hand he went to HCMC.  The emergency room did a fine job of stabilizing his hand but the orthopedic department did a poor job.  They gave him a flimsy little brace that didn’t even cover the break site or stabilize the finger where his hand was broken.  I called and complained to the head of the orthopedic department but he said he reviewed his file and said that was the proper treatment for him.

Now a month and a half later I learn that the original break was not treated properly and he re-broke his hand in the same location.  His hand is messed up.  But here is what’s surprising.  At 10:00pm the emergency room doctor called a hand specialist and asked him if he would be willing to see Andy this week and the doctor, bless his heart, said yes.  I am amazed not only that the emergency room doctor cared enough for Andy to make this call, but that the specialist said yes.  Andy goes to the specialist on Thursday.  Hopefully the doctor will be able to fix his hand.

The birthday bash?  Probably postponed until next year.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

Drama — this is what I mean

December 22, 2009 – 2:19 pm

I’ve made a commitment to blog daily. My guess is there may be readers that are appalled by what I write. Living in the ghetto often means ugliness. Whether or not I write about it, this stuff is happening.

What is social justice? People feel good about being all for social justice sometimes they will put a bumper sticker on their car to promote it.  A good intention here, a program there, let’s write about it, talk about it, attend a seminar about it and hopefully we can usher in a grand new age of social justice, peace, and prosperity.

For me, social justice starts with understanding the true nature of the problem.  Here, on this blog from now on, you will read about the realities of gangs and drugs and prostitution and homelessness and alcoholism and crime. Ugly crimes — vicious robberies, theft, assaults.  You will read about the crushing hopelessness too many young people feel about themselves and their futures, or lack of a future.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could create a program and spend some of that trillion dollars to solve the problem of poverty or crime or homelessness?  Programs may do some good but they don’t get to the heart of the problem.  Programs are institutional and that means they are vulnerable to being exploited.   These “kids” (in quotes because many of them are over 18) don’t trust programs because people are being paid to help them.  They don’t feel the heart connection, a real relationship.

What the inner city needs is missionaries.  It needs people willing to insert themselves long term in the middle of broken lives and love broken, hurting people.  And that means loving gangsters and criminals.  What is ministry and does ministry differ from missions?  Why are Christians willing to spend money to send missionaries to far away lands but don’t understand that the inner city needs MISSIONARIES?

Here was my day.

Calvin came over at 10:00 this morning still drunk from the night before.  I asked him if he has a plan for the day.  Yep, he’s going over to a girl’s house and getting drunker.  He doesn’t want to live.  He’s not suicidal but he wants to put himself in a situation where someone will kill him.    He hates himself and hates his life, but he’s not unhappy.  He is unhappy in jail and he’s been in jail twice this week.   He is living at a friend’s house but his living situation is precarious at best.  He’s been homeless most of the summer.  He is lonely and feels hopeless that his life will ever be good.

Then I went shopping to buy food for Q’s birthday.  When I came home Q, Lisa, Calvin, and Matt were well on their way to getting drunk after Lisa supplied them with a bottle of Vodka.  I took Lisa and Q to Cub to pick up the last things I needed for his birthday dinner and standing in the line at Cub I discovered he’d broken his hand AGAIN.

By the time we got home from Cub, Calvin had left to go party at a girl’s house.  Q was not happy because that girl is associated with a rival gang.  He was worried that if they discovered Calvin was associated with him Calvin wouldn’t be safe.  They all have a conversation about the best way to retrieve Calvin from the party and while they are discussing the problem Calvin appears with a duffel bag full of food that he stole from someone’s house.  The duffel bag was full of meat.  Then Calvin disappears.

I asked the guys to try and find out where the food came from so we could return it.   While we were trying to figure out the food situation two girls appear and head up to Matt and Q’s room.  I had a fit.  NO way are you having girls in your room.  That is unacceptable.  They can come and visit but they are not allowed in your room.  Period.  While I was lecturing them on the girl situation I discover a glass of pop sitting on the floor in the bedroom.

I couldn’t believe it.  The week before Matt spilled Tahitian Treat pop on the carpet in his room.  Tahitian Treat is the worst pop to spill on a carpet because of the red dye.  It can’t be cleaned.  It cost me $150.00 to have a carpet repairman come in and cut out the stained carpet and replace it.  (Matt paid $80.00)  I told him if I ever found pop upstairs again I would dump every bit of pop in the house, including the refrigerator, down the drain.   Can anyone guess what happened to the pop in the house after that discovery?  They were very apologetic.

Q and Matt left to find the owner of the food and thankfully they found her and returned all her stolen food.  Then Matt left with the girls to “party”.  That left Q and me alone.  We spent several hours talking together.  The more I learn about him the more amazed I am by his intelligence, strength, and character.  But to the rest of the world he is a gang-banging criminal nobody.

Four o’clock in the morning Calvin wakes me up knocking on our door.  He is roaring drunk and looking for Q.  Two and a half hours later I’m wok up again by someone knocking on the front door.  Minneapolis Police.  “Do you know a Matthew?”  “Yes”  “Could you put your jacket on and come out to the police car and get him.  I found him passed out at the light rail station.”  “I wish you would have taken him to detox.  Then he could have spent the rest of the weekend sitting in detox with Bill and maybe he would have learned a lesson.”

One question Q asked me during the evening is, “What is Christmas?”  This may sound like a strange and obvious question.  But it’s not for someone who has spent the last five years, ever since he was sixteen years old, locked up.   And the majority of that time he was in solitary confinement.  Before that he was in 43 placements.

So what is Christmas?  He wondered if he could celebrate Christmas if he isn’t a Christian.  Is Christmas in America a religious holiday or can you celebrate it even if you aren’t Christian?  Santa Claus isn’t Christian.  And Tots for Tots and other programs like that don’t donate toys for only Christian children.

How would you answer this question?

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

How much is Christmas dinner worth?

December 22, 2009 – 1:05 pm

Ken came over today. A couple weeks ago he bought six Cornish game hens and stuffing for all of us for Christmas dinner. Today I told him Carl got a three-day pass from treatment and is coming to spend Christmas with us. The first thing Ken says is “But we only have six hens.” I said “That’s ok, I don’t need one. We will be ok with six.”

No, Ken wants us all to have a hen. He is going to the blood bank to donate his blood so he can get some money and buy another hen and more stuffing.

Ken donates his blood to buy Christmas dinner for us so we can celebrate the birth of the One who shed his blood for us. How much is our Christmas dinner worth?

By topcat | Posted in Generalities, News from the hood | Comments (1)

Do I want my house shot up?

December 19, 2009 – 12:35 pm

Over the last few months our life has been as crazy as it’s ever been. Every day craziness. Every day I’d think, I’m not going to blog today because it’s not a “normal” day. I’ll start tomorrow. But I’ve come to realize that the craziness of our life may be instructive to others, and the craziness represents our real life better than what I think “normal” should be.

Where does the title come from? Three weeks ago Jesse was jumped by three guys and brutally beaten.   He was kicked in the face and his jaw was broken.  When Jesse came home he came upstairs where we were watching a movie.  One look and I knew he was badly hurt.  He wanted me to give him a ride to the hospital but he was not talking right.  I knew he had a head injury so I called 911 instead.  I told the 911 operator that we didn’t need the police.  Please send an ambulance without sirens or flashing lights because I don’t want to alarm Jesse.  When I explained what had happened and how he was acting she got a paramedic on the phone.  I was talking to the paramedic when the police arrived.  Jesse freaked out.  He ditched his pot pipe behind a chair and somehow managed to take his shorts off in the front porch.  The police took the two of us outside and “interviewed” us separately.

M(e):  Why did the police come.  I told the operator we didn’t need the police.

P(olice):  We came because of a serious assault.  Do you know you have a known gang member living in your house?

M: I know he was involved in gangs in the past but I don’t think he is now.

P: Look at how he is dressed, that’s gang affiliating.

M: All the kids around here dress like that.

P: We knew there was going to be violence tonight because of the wake going on at the Indian center.  This was most likely gang related.  Do you know who did this to him?

M: No, and I’m sure he’s not going to tell you.

P: He won’t tell us because he wants to take care of it himself.

M: I’m sure that’s true.

P: Are you prepared to have your house shot up like the house four blocks away?  That was a gang-related shooting.

M: Well no I would prefer not to have my house shot up, but I also am committed to Jesse and his well-being.  I’m not going to kick him out because I fear the gangs.

Jesse went to the hospital by ambulance.  The next day he had surgery to have a metal plate installed in his jaw.  Since then I’ve talked to Jesse about that night.  He got jumped by three guys.   He was fighting one guy but every time he got the upper hand one of the other two would knock him down so the first guy would have the advantage.  After the fight was done, the three knocked him down and kicked the crap out of him, breaking his jaw and giving him a concussion.

Despite the injury, Jesse thinks the fight was “fun” and worth the pain and damage he’s suffered.  He is proud of himself that he was winning the fight with the one guy.   So far this school year Jesse has broken his hand fighting, re-broken his hand fighting, broken his finger fighting, suffered a big bruise on his head from being pistol-whipped in a fight, and then this.  The night he was pistol-whipped he got arrested for assault and fleeing a police officer and had to spend the night in jail.  Yet he STILL thinks fighting is fun.  Welcome to the inner-city values where your fighting ability brings the ultimate prestige and power.

By topcat | Posted in News from the hood | Comments (0)

No Social Security cost of living increase this year?

October 15, 2009 – 7:50 am

Hmmmm. . . . I guess the federal government is broke.  Broke since April.  And despite historic bailouts and “stimulus” spending our economy is stagnant.  The cost of living is going up but the income for the people dependent on Social Security isn’t going up.  It sure seems like the social security recipients are going to be paying for the foolish spending of the federal government, many of whom barely have enough money to survive.  The very people whom the Democrats claim to care about are the very people being hurt by their spending policies –the poor and needy.  And my big question is who is getting all the bailout and stimulus money?  It sure isn’t me or any of the people around me.

But there sure are many people around me, the poor and needy, that really want a job!  Where are jobs to be found?

By topcat | Posted in Disadvantaged Cats, Generalities | Comments (0)

Do we have a health care crisis?

October 12, 2009 – 8:22 pm

Last month a friend of mine spent one day in Hennepin County Medical Center.  He is a chronic alcoholic and he goes to the emergency room about once a week, sometimes more often.  He is on Medicare, government insurance.  He uses the government hospital — HCMC.  Here is his bill for one day in the hospital, general care.

Who pays this bill?  Why the taxpayers of Minnesota of course!  How is health care reform going to solve this problem.  Look at this bill.  The room cost $1,356 for one night.  The emergency room visit before he was admitted cost $905.  The pharmacy and IV cost $1,895 for one day.  Lab work cost another $950.  What were they pumping into his veins?  Gold?

How is the government taking over the health care industry going to improve care or reduce costs?  Most of the people I know either have no insurance or are on medical assistance or medicaid.  They use the emergency room for all their health care needs.  It doesn’t cost them a penny.  It costs the taxpayers plenty.

I don’t have medical insurance.  I can’t afford it.  If the government forces me to buy health insurance I won’t be able to afford my YWCA membership, or vacations.  Isn’t it my right to choose how I spend my money?  Forcing me to buy insurance doesn’t increase my income.  It just moves money from where I want to spent it — on my YWCA membership, to where I don’t want to spend it — health insurance.

I don’t like going to the doctor.  I tough it out if I get sick.  Over the last 10 years I’ve been to the doctor three times: once for stitches, once when I hurt my back, and once when I got bit by a wood tick.  I paid out of my own pocket.  Isn’t this my right?

I’m all for reducing health care costs and reigning in drug and insurance companies.  But government takeover of these industries is not going to reduce costs.  I believe it will increase them.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)

A private screening of UP-3D

September 30, 2009 – 8:37 am

Yesterday was a tough day.  I was feeling royally sorry for myself.  You know the story — I do so much for other people and they don’t appreciate me.  They don’t respect me.  They are CONSTANTLY asking, “Can I have X, Can I have Y, Can you do Z.”  And it seems none of them give a damn what I need or how I feel.  I was so upset yesterday I had a cigarette.   It felt good to be a little defiant and irresponsible.  I even skipped out on my CPEO class.  After all, being irresponsible works well for other people.  “I know I should quit drinking, but I’m an alcoholic.  I know I should quit using drugs, but I’m an addict.  I know I should go to school and do well but I’m too interested in girls.  I know I shouldn’t steal, but shit, they have what I want.  I know I should be responsible with money and pay my obligations, but damn then I can’t have any fun.”

I’m sick of it.  When Kevin came home yesterday I said I want to get out of the house, I don’t care where we go.  So we got in the car and started driving.  When we got to Apple Valley I suggested going to a movie.  Kevin had seen UP and liked it a lot.  He thought I’d like it too and now it’s playing in 3D.  So we got our cool polarized 3D glasses and went into the theater.

Have you ever had a private showing of a movie?  We were the only ones in the theater!  I loved it.  We talked.  We laughed.  We changed seats until we found the perfect place to best enjoy the 3D effect.  We cuddled.  We put our feet up on the seat in front of us.  We had a large popcorn, large cherry Coke, and box of Nestle’s Crunch for dinner.  And I kept hollering, “WE HAVE THE THEATER ALL TO OURSELVES.  IS THIS COOL OR WHAT.”

UP touched a nerve with me.  After his wife dies crabby Carl wants to fulfill his wife’s and his long-time dream of going to Hidden Falls in South America.   He gets there, but not exactly.  As he struggles with a conflict he pulls out his wife’s adventure journal and realizes that she has completed the rest of the journal.  She tells him in the journal, “Thanks for the adventure, now go have your own.”   That inspires Carl to be heroic and save the day and to commit to helping Russell, a fatherless boy.  In the end Carl and Russell live happily ever after.

Does that ever happen in real life?

I miss Graeme and I can’t write a happy ending to his story.  I have so many regrets.  Because I had to work to support the two of us I never got to be the mother I wanted to be.  Being able to stay home makes such a difference.  Instead Graeme got a crabby, stressed-out mom who was constantly struggling emotionally to find a little piece of love and happiness. Who had so little left at the end of the day to give to him.  He was an intelligent, mischievious child that could have had such a different life if I had been in a better place.

Is it any wonder he found his escape in drugs?  And once he got a drug problem and a group of dysfunctional raver peers who he admired, that was the end of his dreams.  He spent five years in prison for stealing drugs from veterinary and dental clinics and was dead within three years of getting out.  And the guy who Graeme did most of the burglaries with never got caught and he is the guy who beat Graeme to death rather than call 911.  So much for his friends.

So tell me, can I write a “happily ever after” ending to this sad tale?  At church on Sunday (the first time I’ve went in a long time) the pastor talked about Jesus pushing back the kingdom of darkness.  Where is this happening?   I feel like I’m beating my head against a black and immovable fortress and the darkness is winning.  Where is the kingdom of God?   Is the problem me?   I’m ashamed to admit that I feel jealous of Matt that I can give to him what I couldn’t give to Graeme.

It’s easier to believe in God and believe all the comforting stories from the Bible when your life is not in crisis.  But I’d rather not believe a comforting falsehood.  I want to know the truth.  If God is real why do I feel like this?  Why isn’t there more evidence of His existence in the lives of Christians?  Why does it seem like the darkness is winning?  Why did God miraculously heal the leapers of His day, but doesn’t seem able to heal the drunks, drug-addicts, and broken-hearted people of today?

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (1)

I am angry

September 29, 2009 – 4:45 pm

I am feeling hateful, hateful.  My little ipod was stolen.  I’ve had it with thieves.  Last week I found out my neighbor stole $205 dollars using my checking account to pay for his Verizon phone.  I discovered that when I got an overdraft on my checking account.  And how did he get access to my checking account?  He was doing his laundry at our house and used my computer to set up his Verizon account.  He never mentioned he used my checking account too.  I feel used.  I feel violated.  And I’m angry.

I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I miss Graeme.  You would think that the sting of his death would lessen over time but I think the opposite is happening.  I miss him so much I feel like I’m going to go crazy.  And when I’m feeling used by the people in my life it makes me miss Graeme all the more.

It’s times like this that makes me want to sell everything and buy a boat so Kevin and I can go far, far away.  Far away from all the drugs, and alcohol, and thieves, and liars.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)

A Birthday Bash

September 29, 2009 – 7:58 am

A Monday night birthday bash to celebrate Matt, Lisa and Duane’s birthdays.  We couldn’t have done it without Bill who procured the bonfire, the frybread, and the potato salad.  Thanks to North House Church for the gifts, the pinata, and the snacks.  Thanks to Curt for the pop, the firewood, and the JointCare for Andy dog!

Birthday guy Duane, Bill the Hero, Ayman, David

Andy doesn’t like the pinata

Those who control the pinata: Ray, Kevin, Curt, Matt, Quanah

Happy 19th birthday Matt!!!!!

Happy Birthday Lisa — she broke the pinata.  Do not get in a fight with this girl.

Candy free for all.

Sweet fire.  We’ve got to get ourselves one of these.  A bonfire in the backyard was great.

Sweet, sweet David.

By topcat | Posted in Disadvantaged Cats, Generalities | Comments (0)

Focus

September 26, 2009 – 11:41 am

For weeks I’ve been floundering, not accomplishing much.  I’m stuck and I’m not sure how to get out of this unproductive situation.  I’m avoiding the most important task I need to finish — the narrative for the 501c3 application for Minneapolis Swims.  I’ve got a plethora of excuses for why I’m not doing it.  I have had many distractions, but still I’ve had enough time to finish it and I’m not doing it.

The big question is why?  Why am I avoiding it?  Two things come to mind.  One, I’m not confident.  I’ve never done this before and I’m stuck spinning my wheels rather than doing something, even if it’s wrong.  The more I procrastinate, the more ashamed of myself I feel.  I’m disappointing too many people and that makes me avoid doing it all the more.  Dumb!

Two, I’ve been lazy.  Too lazy to think hard.  Too lazy to make phone calls.  To lazy to put sustained effort into getting something done.  I flit from distraction to distraction: the laundry, a cup of tea, the news, cooking, talking, eating.  I need to focus and just do it.

I’m starting to understand that anything I do requires effort and commitment.  Even going camping requires me to find a campground, make reservations, plan the meals, get the gear together.  If I approached going camping like I’m approaching the Minneapolis Swims narrative I’d be stuck cruising the DNA website trying to figure out which campground to go to and never actually going camping.

I’ve got too many good ideas and too little discipline to make them a reality.  This is not ok.  Every day I tell myself that TODAY I’m going to change.  Today I’m going to be disciplined and focused.  Today I’m going to actually accomplish something of substance.  And does it happen?  No.  Same story different day.

In an effort to change this situation, I’ve decided to blog about my predicament.  I’m hoping that by being accountable to this blog to report accomplishments or failures I’ll be more motivated to focus and finish the things I’ve started.

So here goes . . .

I’ll report my progress tomorrow.

By topcat | Posted in Generalities | Comments (0)